nammamane

I clamp shut when the going gets hard. I clamp up pretty tight. And stay shut until it passes. Only this time around it seemed to last forever.

“Forever” is right. My last blog post was before August of last year. Right around then we started to go through a bunch of tests for Savi since the doctors suspected she had a urinary reflux problem that could possibly be affecting her kidneys. While this was ruled out in a couple of weeks, the stress was immense …compounded by the fact that it was the first time we were dealing with a health related unknown. We came away learning that parenthood is all about dealing with unknowns such as this … hope for the best and prepare for the worst ;) .

We took a breather and celebrated Savi’s first cause we knew the uphill battle with ear infections, colds and coughs we would face with the daycare change soon after. It all went as expected. I was quietly getting bigger as I entered my second trimester with our little Meesha. Ahh, those “qtip like nudges” from within …..beautifully soft and gentle … ( just like her delicate little self lying on my dad’s lap as I type this …). The week 20 ultrasound was close and Pree could not wait to make sure we were having another girl (he was so incredibly certain it was going to be a girl). We did confirm that part but were also met with the unexpected piece of news that our little one has an echogenic foci in the left ventricle of the heart. That finding is known to be a “soft marker for downs”. The doctor suggested genetic counseling and a level 2 ultrasound to rule out any other markers. Our doc tried to calm us but letting us know that this finding is more common now … that they have better u/s machines … it is rare that a single marker is of any significance. We still worried a little. The level 2 u/s revealed nothing of concern. Pree and I were happy and came off believing everything will be fine. If everything is not okay we will still make it okay, we talked. Life will get redefined and difficult but we did not believe it would ever affect our level of happiness. If our lives are indeed meant to take that turn, we will perhaps live richer lives ? (What a strange coincidence …As I type this my dad still sits here, Meesha on his lap, watching “Taare Zameen Par” … a “must watch” for anyone who has not seen the movie…).

Little did I know that once we share this piece of news with the rest of the world, we would have to hear their views and opinions ….they would not always match our views …they would not always support our choices.
Little did I know that how much their opinions would affect me (I rarely have second thoughts about a decision I make) and I would be fraught with doubt, pain, anger and worry for the rest of my pregnancy.

I clamped shut. Real tight. Cause that is what I do best. Cause that is what I needed to do to protect myself and my little one from negative thoughts …like I was saving her …. I am not “pro-life” or anything - I am more “pro-choice” …but in this case I was adamant about shielding this little piece of being from the opinions of the world - no matter what shape or form she came in ….
So I clamped shut and protected our little world fiercely.

As I watch her lying here, next to me, all peaceful and quiet ….I see that she is her own person. I can only hold on to her so much starting today. She is out in her world and whether I like it or not, the world is hers to deal with. Sure, we will care and provide for her …but starting today she will make her own decisions. Very soon she will be like a big sister - soaking up the world with such intensity that eating and sleeping are the last things on her mind!

As I type these words I am unclamping myself and taking a peek outside …these words are like the sunglasses that make gentle the harsh sun …making the transition a little gentler. I walk out with nothing but gratitude in my heart and a list of lessons learned in my hand. Gratitude for having a healthy child, gratitude to all the people who listened and helped me keep the faith….to my dad who prayed everyday and always told me that everything would be fine even on the days that he worried the most. I have come off with utmost respect for Pree - who through this journey did EVERYTHING in his control to keep me happy.

And here is what my lessons learned strip of paper contains:
1. Clamp shut, if that is what you need to do: When you are going through a hard time, you do not owe everyone an explanation. Share what you want to share with whoever you need to share it with to get through your tough times. If people do not understand then it is too bad for them. The reality is that relationships that suffer as a result of expectations such as this one were never meant to be. So clamp shut and relax - if that is what will help you.
2. Clamp shut, but use your support network: Even at times when I clamp up the tightest, I still talk to a few folk. Who I talk with depends on what the matter is, but I have always found that there is a sense of beauty and calm in seeking out people who care for us …they want to be there for us…and I am often surprised as to how much wisdom lies in my support network….be it family, friends or colleagues at work.
3. Give up on the guilt: Nobody cares that you are miserable and guilty about not laying your life out in front of them …so you might as well stop feeling guilty. Everyone is allowed to retreat into their worlds once in a while …and as long as this does not affect your performance in your professional life you should be fine. On the personal side, family is supposed to understand anyways ;)
4. Think positive: My dad and Pree were key in helping me think positive. There is little we can do to change the unknown. So we might as well think positive and hope for the best . Surround yourself with people who think positively if you find it hard to be positive yourself. Protect yourself from negativity of the world ….especially when you know you do not have the spirit to deal with it. Time and again, throughout this pregnancy, Pree and my dad have been towers of strength for me …hiding their own worries and concerns only to be able to be there for me. I am truly humbled.
5. Listen to your soul and fulfill its needs: Do not worry if things you do appear stupid. Do what you need to do to help you get through the times. Pree came with me to India for a 10 day trip in week 25 of my pregnancy. Certainly sounds stupid but the love and pampering I got from family (not to mention my sister from London came to India just so the whole family could be together at one place) …. spending a week with my sisters and my parents (with Pree taking care of Savi) was just perfect. But for that break I doubt I could have kept my sanity through the end of this pregnancy! So do not worry about what people think and/or the money you are spending. We all work hard so we can take a break when we really need one!
6. Be grateful and express your gratitude: Never forget the people who were there for you in big ways and small. People who helped you took the time and energy out of their lives in order to help you and for that they need to be appreciated. You appreciate others for your own sake - not because they expect it. I believe that appreciating a person is a form of externalizing our gratitude …and externalizing only strengthens our own respect for life and the people who have helped us.
7. Learn your lessons and brace yourself for your next challenge: Now that a hard chapter has ended, it is time to enjoy some. My little sis sent me this:
“i wanted to send (this) to you for many days…but waited till i knew everything turned out okay with misha ;-).
see this link, its one of my favourite graphic artists, rutu modan.hope you enjoy it.”

Thanks Meg, I love you too :)

If there is anything called a “New Mom Syndrome”, I think I have certainly fallen prey to it. Alas, I am like every other new mom although it has taken me a few months to accept it ;). In my past life (before-baby as in BB), I wondered why women who became moms did the things they did. I am now guilty of a number of new-mommyisms myself and here goes my list of confessions:

* I cut my hair. As soon as I was back home from the hospital and could say day apart from night, I went out and cut my hair. That does not mean I know why women who just popped babies do that, however.

* Way too many new moms I have know run marathons. I guess this has to do with trying to clear the chaos in our brains ;). I have always been a yoga kind of person but one morning I woke up and just felt this incredible urge to start running …maybe I will run a 5K or two this year ….

* Turn to food for solace? I rarely ate for comfort before, but now I am always famished, always hungry and can always use some butter and dessert with my meals.

* Okay …I love to talk about my baby. And yes, I do it in the hallway, in the cafeteria, in my office, on the road …even with strangers at the stores and the post office! Yuk!

* I have fallen in love with oatmeal all over again. I am learning that Oatmeal is the only thing that sticks by me, through thick and thin …

* I thought I would die of less sleep and my body and mind would just shrivel and disappear, but my “system has learnt to handle it” …like so many parents told me their systems did when they had their little ones . I am NOT happy about this, though

* I also thought I would die if I did not get my retail therapy at least once every 2 weeks. Strangely, I am very alive and kicking …the fact that I dress like a mess is another story ;)

* This one hurts ;) …but I have got to admit that I look at baby pictures at work.

I can go on less sleep but I really need to curl up now …

Later Gator!

Look what our little one made for us for Valentine’s Day!

Okay, okay … “A” made it.(Her sweet little daughter helped her as well) “A” is the wonderful person who takes care of Savi when I am at work. She is truly awesome. I know that she is great cause I *feel* it …in my gut. My 5 month old does not say much but she sure is all smiles when she sees “A”. I know my little one is in safe hands because I actually work when I get to work. As a matter of fact, the minute I get back into my car after dropping Savi off with her, I am already thinking work. She has got to be really good for me to be able to do that!

I go to get my little one the day after Valentine’s and I am showered with gifts and this card (…and diapers ! I also had to borrow diapers from A, but that is another story :)) . “How spoilt am I!”, I thought. Here were people doing wonderful things for my little one and me while all I was doing was obsessing about the snow storm and my workplace! (Btw, things are changing rapidly at my work…will post an update soon ;)).

It occurred to me that it was too late for me to rectify the fact that I did not have anything for A or her little daughter(she gave me the cutest hearts she cut all by herself because I am her “friend”) or for “H” (A’s sitter helper who also gave Savi a gift!). Do I respond with a “Belated Valentine Gift”? Sounds way too weird and honestly, I have never heard of that ;).

Oh, and what about all my other valentines? My one chance to express how grateful I am to them and I had just blown it!! What do I do??

I have given up thinking. I am going to thank them right here, right now. These are the folk that I think about and wonder what I would have done without. They are truly my “family”. They are vital to helping this pseudo single mom (husband travels ALL the time) survive …and survive pretty well ;)

Thanks to “L”(Doggie daycare) for taking care of my babies for years. I know that my puppies love her to death and we are in love with “L” for life. She is also our our prime doggie consultant and truly understands what our dogs mean to us. “K” (dog walker) is our latest wonderful addition to our dog family. “J” is my dear friend that Charlie is smitten by. “J” is the family favorite :). She does not have to do anything …she makes all the difference just by being. Some wonderful people at work, particularly “R” and “T” who remind me repeatedly that they are right there if I should ever need anything. (And look, the first names of all these folk start with unique alphabets …weird coincidence :))

What would I do without these people? I wonder. I don’t know. I don’t want to know :)

As I sit here typing this, Savi is “talking” to get my attention and Charlie is nuzzling me to be let out. I got to go. But thank you!!

This article in the NewYork Times talks about how women in politics today (Pelosi, Clinton etc) are wearing “motherhood to work” and how doing that could actually work for them.

And why wouldn’t it, I wonder? The truth does always work …in my limited experience at least. Projecting the image that reflects the truth should work for anyone …at home, at work or in Washington. Infact, being a mom has helped me assert myself better at work, I am more disciplined and in some ways I am a lot more unforgiving and understanding at the same time. I really hope that the publicists that these politicians (actresses etc) work with get that simple fact …

Men and women are different for a reason. They have different things to offer to the family, to the workplace and the country. I think we should quit trying to be like the other gender and offer, in whole, what we can offer to the world at every step of our lives. And “different” does not, for even a second, mean that we are less or more capable.

If tables were turned and enough men wanted to be treated like women and do the things that women do ( ah, imagine that ;)), I do believe that men would have the same issues that women do … Men probably feel discriminated in a number of ways as well. Is there pressure on them to be employed all the time? Is it okay for them to shed tears in public? Are they percieved as “fluff” if they show their sensitive side? I wonder ….