nammamane

It was exactly 10 years ago that I moved to Columbus, Ohio. It is the only place Pree and I have known in the US …in fact it is the longest stretch of time Pree has been in any single place. Over the years Columbus became home …our wonderful experiences at Ohio State, the times Pree and I spent together, the home, the animals and the kids …the people we met over the years, the friends we made, the coworkers …the hikes, the walks with the dogs, the library next door ….

Over the years people moved in and out of Columbus while we stayed on. We felt wonderfully well settled and able to handle the changes brought on by our growing family …so much so that we quietly hoped that life would bring us some new challenges and/or experiences of a new place ….

Ahh….be careful what you wish for!

I guess I will remember that day for the rest of my life. 32 weeks pregnant. On my way to an office party. Quick checkup at my doc. She says hello. I smile back. “Why”, she says “something wrong?”.

“Why”, I say “do I look like something is wrong?”.

“As a matter of fact, you do.”

“Yup, it has been exhausting. Had no idea Braxton Hicks can be so tiring. And of course, with the second one you know how it feels like the child is ready to pop out any time!” (I am still trying to be funny here;))

My doc is buying none of that. She knows me way too well. She is checking me before I know it ….giving me her verdict…
“You need to go home RIGHT NOW and … ”

That is where my memory starts to fail me. I was in a state of shock perhaps. I was so sure my doctor was overreacting…. Bed rest? No way! For 8 weeks?? Hah, you must be kidding me …
She left me for a few minutes … I caught bits and pieces of her hallway conversation with a nurse…. shots to stop my contractions, home monitoring, short term disability …..

Reality was starting to hit home ….

Looking back it seems like that was the day that changed a number of things in our lives. No way! Cannot do bedrest with a crazy toddler and a globe trotting husband! My mom rushed to the US to help us …Pree decided to interview … and lands a job before we even realize it.

Everything has been a haze since that day. I never ever imagined I’d quit my job and move as quickly as we did. There really wasn’t enough time to have a “going away lunch” with friends or talk “career plans” with colleagues. Off I went to India with the kids and let Pree handle the mechanics of moving (he took with him more kids than i did - 2 dogs and a cat) while we split our workload ;) …

I had never imagined I would wake up one morning and quit my job (to be a SAHM). I had never imagined I would stay away from Pree for months together….but life and kids teach you to be practical …they teach you to prioritize. We make certain decisions and hope they are the best ones - for the kids, the animals and all ….

We did just that and here I am 3 months later. We have finally relocated (yes, Pree lied ;)) and it is time to resume my life and my blog. Columbus seems so close yet so far … just think of it like India…it gave me years of joy, personal growth, prosperity, good friends and family …all the things that will never go away. I am as excited about Seattle as I was abut Columbus a decade ago, ready to explore, discover and live our lives to the fullest!

I clamp shut when the going gets hard. I clamp up pretty tight. And stay shut until it passes. Only this time around it seemed to last forever.

“Forever” is right. My last blog post was before August of last year. Right around then we started to go through a bunch of tests for Savi since the doctors suspected she had a urinary reflux problem that could possibly be affecting her kidneys. While this was ruled out in a couple of weeks, the stress was immense …compounded by the fact that it was the first time we were dealing with a health related unknown. We came away learning that parenthood is all about dealing with unknowns such as this … hope for the best and prepare for the worst ;) .

We took a breather and celebrated Savi’s first cause we knew the uphill battle with ear infections, colds and coughs we would face with the daycare change soon after. It all went as expected. I was quietly getting bigger as I entered my second trimester with our little Meesha. Ahh, those “qtip like nudges” from within …..beautifully soft and gentle … ( just like her delicate little self lying on my dad’s lap as I type this …). The week 20 ultrasound was close and Pree could not wait to make sure we were having another girl (he was so incredibly certain it was going to be a girl). We did confirm that part but were also met with the unexpected piece of news that our little one has an echogenic foci in the left ventricle of the heart. That finding is known to be a “soft marker for downs”. The doctor suggested genetic counseling and a level 2 ultrasound to rule out any other markers. Our doc tried to calm us but letting us know that this finding is more common now … that they have better u/s machines … it is rare that a single marker is of any significance. We still worried a little. The level 2 u/s revealed nothing of concern. Pree and I were happy and came off believing everything will be fine. If everything is not okay we will still make it okay, we talked. Life will get redefined and difficult but we did not believe it would ever affect our level of happiness. If our lives are indeed meant to take that turn, we will perhaps live richer lives ? (What a strange coincidence …As I type this my dad still sits here, Meesha on his lap, watching “Taare Zameen Par” … a “must watch” for anyone who has not seen the movie…).

Little did I know that once we share this piece of news with the rest of the world, we would have to hear their views and opinions ….they would not always match our views …they would not always support our choices.
Little did I know that how much their opinions would affect me (I rarely have second thoughts about a decision I make) and I would be fraught with doubt, pain, anger and worry for the rest of my pregnancy.

I clamped shut. Real tight. Cause that is what I do best. Cause that is what I needed to do to protect myself and my little one from negative thoughts …like I was saving her …. I am not “pro-life” or anything - I am more “pro-choice” …but in this case I was adamant about shielding this little piece of being from the opinions of the world - no matter what shape or form she came in ….
So I clamped shut and protected our little world fiercely.

As I watch her lying here, next to me, all peaceful and quiet ….I see that she is her own person. I can only hold on to her so much starting today. She is out in her world and whether I like it or not, the world is hers to deal with. Sure, we will care and provide for her …but starting today she will make her own decisions. Very soon she will be like a big sister - soaking up the world with such intensity that eating and sleeping are the last things on her mind!

As I type these words I am unclamping myself and taking a peek outside …these words are like the sunglasses that make gentle the harsh sun …making the transition a little gentler. I walk out with nothing but gratitude in my heart and a list of lessons learned in my hand. Gratitude for having a healthy child, gratitude to all the people who listened and helped me keep the faith….to my dad who prayed everyday and always told me that everything would be fine even on the days that he worried the most. I have come off with utmost respect for Pree - who through this journey did EVERYTHING in his control to keep me happy.

And here is what my lessons learned strip of paper contains:
1. Clamp shut, if that is what you need to do: When you are going through a hard time, you do not owe everyone an explanation. Share what you want to share with whoever you need to share it with to get through your tough times. If people do not understand then it is too bad for them. The reality is that relationships that suffer as a result of expectations such as this one were never meant to be. So clamp shut and relax - if that is what will help you.
2. Clamp shut, but use your support network: Even at times when I clamp up the tightest, I still talk to a few folk. Who I talk with depends on what the matter is, but I have always found that there is a sense of beauty and calm in seeking out people who care for us …they want to be there for us…and I am often surprised as to how much wisdom lies in my support network….be it family, friends or colleagues at work.
3. Give up on the guilt: Nobody cares that you are miserable and guilty about not laying your life out in front of them …so you might as well stop feeling guilty. Everyone is allowed to retreat into their worlds once in a while …and as long as this does not affect your performance in your professional life you should be fine. On the personal side, family is supposed to understand anyways ;)
4. Think positive: My dad and Pree were key in helping me think positive. There is little we can do to change the unknown. So we might as well think positive and hope for the best . Surround yourself with people who think positively if you find it hard to be positive yourself. Protect yourself from negativity of the world ….especially when you know you do not have the spirit to deal with it. Time and again, throughout this pregnancy, Pree and my dad have been towers of strength for me …hiding their own worries and concerns only to be able to be there for me. I am truly humbled.
5. Listen to your soul and fulfill its needs: Do not worry if things you do appear stupid. Do what you need to do to help you get through the times. Pree came with me to India for a 10 day trip in week 25 of my pregnancy. Certainly sounds stupid but the love and pampering I got from family (not to mention my sister from London came to India just so the whole family could be together at one place) …. spending a week with my sisters and my parents (with Pree taking care of Savi) was just perfect. But for that break I doubt I could have kept my sanity through the end of this pregnancy! So do not worry about what people think and/or the money you are spending. We all work hard so we can take a break when we really need one!
6. Be grateful and express your gratitude: Never forget the people who were there for you in big ways and small. People who helped you took the time and energy out of their lives in order to help you and for that they need to be appreciated. You appreciate others for your own sake - not because they expect it. I believe that appreciating a person is a form of externalizing our gratitude …and externalizing only strengthens our own respect for life and the people who have helped us.
7. Learn your lessons and brace yourself for your next challenge: Now that a hard chapter has ended, it is time to enjoy some. My little sis sent me this:
“i wanted to send (this) to you for many days…but waited till i knew everything turned out okay with misha ;-).
see this link, its one of my favourite graphic artists, rutu modan.hope you enjoy it.”

Thanks Meg, I love you too :)

We put some new pictures on flickr. Check it out!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/pkolari/

The “Department of Homeland Sanity” has issued a sleep deprivation alert. The quiet terror of sleep deprivation is starting to have irreversible effects in the “mother”land. The Department hopes that by defining deprivation levels and issuing alerts, the nation will be more prepared to handle an unforeseen attack in the near future.

LOW : I am not very sure why this level even exists. Parents, by definition, are always on this level. “LOW” sleep deprivation implies you are having the best time of your life. You cannot do much better than this.

GUARDED : At this level of sleep deprivation, you are mildly troubled. This is when you forget to take your wallet to the store. Or your stylish hobo handbag to work. You may socialize, but do so cautiously.

ELEVATED : Now, you are getting into the danger zone. At this point you are getting rather unfit to socialize. I suggest you keep away from folk unless they are sleep deprived parents themselves …in which case they won’t know any better ;). Normal human beings will repeatedly ask you if you are okay when you are in an “ELEVATED” state. Ignore them since they mean no harm. You have bigger things to worry about from this point on ….

HIGH : Not good. Not good. Try to do everything possible to prevent yourself from getting here. At this point you are not getting more than an hour of sleep in one stretch. You are going on less than 3 hours sleep every night for at least 4 nights in a row. Not at all good. You tend to wonder where your office is. You consistently walk out into the wrong floor at work. If you are anything like me, you will hold your key to your door and hope the door opens (much like holding your work badge to the sensor).

SEVERE : You are delirious. You are almost dangerous. You are unfit to take care of your child. You will probably cry at the drop of a hat. Your marriage could be in trouble. Your spouse does not know you, your dogs don’t recognize you… What the heck! You don’t know yourself anymore. I suggest you take a sick day at work.

What level are you at today? Any fond memories of sleep deprivation?