…to Seattle, WA!
.
I will be starting work in Redmond next week. Mayu and the kids are in India with grandparents and aunts and uncles… They will come here soon. Lucky, Iris and Charlie had a good (uneventful!) first plane ride yesterday, thanks to several amazing people, enterprise rent a car and delta’s pet first.
… for our little Savi as she is blissfully unaware of the upcoming ear tube surgery.
Mom uploads pictures while waiting to hear from dad …
I clamp shut when the going gets hard. I clamp up pretty tight. And stay shut until it passes. Only this time around it seemed to last forever.
“Forever” is right. My last blog post was before August of last year. Right around then we started to go through a bunch of tests for Savi since the doctors suspected she had a urinary reflux problem that could possibly be affecting her kidneys. While this was ruled out in a couple of weeks, the stress was immense …compounded by the fact that it was the first time we were dealing with a health related unknown. We came away learning that parenthood is all about dealing with unknowns such as this … hope for the best and prepare for the worst ;) .
We took a breather and celebrated Savi’s first cause we knew the uphill battle with ear infections, colds and coughs we would face with the daycare change soon after. It all went as expected. I was quietly getting bigger as I entered my second trimester with our little Meesha. Ahh, those “qtip like nudges” from within …..beautifully soft and gentle … ( just like her delicate little self lying on my dad’s lap as I type this …). The week 20 ultrasound was close and Pree could not wait to make sure we were having another girl (he was so incredibly certain it was going to be a girl). We did confirm that part but were also met with the unexpected piece of news that our little one has an echogenic foci in the left ventricle of the heart. That finding is known to be a “soft marker for downs”. The doctor suggested genetic counseling and a level 2 ultrasound to rule out any other markers. Our doc tried to calm us but letting us know that this finding is more common now … that they have better u/s machines … it is rare that a single marker is of any significance. We still worried a little. The level 2 u/s revealed nothing of concern. Pree and I were happy and came off believing everything will be fine. If everything is not okay we will still make it okay, we talked. Life will get redefined and difficult but we did not believe it would ever affect our level of happiness. If our lives are indeed meant to take that turn, we will perhaps live richer lives ? (What a strange coincidence …As I type this my dad still sits here, Meesha on his lap, watching “Taare Zameen Par” … a “must watch” for anyone who has not seen the movie…).
Little did I know that once we share this piece of news with the rest of the world, we would have to hear their views and opinions ….they would not always match our views …they would not always support our choices.
Little did I know that how much their opinions would affect me (I rarely have second thoughts about a decision I make) and I would be fraught with doubt, pain, anger and worry for the rest of my pregnancy.
I clamped shut. Real tight. Cause that is what I do best. Cause that is what I needed to do to protect myself and my little one from negative thoughts …like I was saving her …. I am not “pro-life” or anything - I am more “pro-choice” …but in this case I was adamant about shielding this little piece of being from the opinions of the world - no matter what shape or form she came in ….
So I clamped shut and protected our little world fiercely.
As I watch her lying here, next to me, all peaceful and quiet ….I see that she is her own person. I can only hold on to her so much starting today. She is out in her world and whether I like it or not, the world is hers to deal with. Sure, we will care and provide for her …but starting today she will make her own decisions. Very soon she will be like a big sister - soaking up the world with such intensity that eating and sleeping are the last things on her mind!
As I type these words I am unclamping myself and taking a peek outside …these words are like the sunglasses that make gentle the harsh sun …making the transition a little gentler. I walk out with nothing but gratitude in my heart and a list of lessons learned in my hand. Gratitude for having a healthy child, gratitude to all the people who listened and helped me keep the faith….to my dad who prayed everyday and always told me that everything would be fine even on the days that he worried the most. I have come off with utmost respect for Pree - who through this journey did EVERYTHING in his control to keep me happy.
And here is what my lessons learned strip of paper contains:
1. Clamp shut, if that is what you need to do: When you are going through a hard time, you do not owe everyone an explanation. Share what you want to share with whoever you need to share it with to get through your tough times. If people do not understand then it is too bad for them. The reality is that relationships that suffer as a result of expectations such as this one were never meant to be. So clamp shut and relax - if that is what will help you.
2. Clamp shut, but use your support network: Even at times when I clamp up the tightest, I still talk to a few folk. Who I talk with depends on what the matter is, but I have always found that there is a sense of beauty and calm in seeking out people who care for us …they want to be there for us…and I am often surprised as to how much wisdom lies in my support network….be it family, friends or colleagues at work.
3. Give up on the guilt: Nobody cares that you are miserable and guilty about not laying your life out in front of them …so you might as well stop feeling guilty. Everyone is allowed to retreat into their worlds once in a while …and as long as this does not affect your performance in your professional life you should be fine. On the personal side, family is supposed to understand anyways ;)
4. Think positive: My dad and Pree were key in helping me think positive. There is little we can do to change the unknown. So we might as well think positive and hope for the best . Surround yourself with people who think positively if you find it hard to be positive yourself. Protect yourself from negativity of the world ….especially when you know you do not have the spirit to deal with it. Time and again, throughout this pregnancy, Pree and my dad have been towers of strength for me …hiding their own worries and concerns only to be able to be there for me. I am truly humbled.
5. Listen to your soul and fulfill its needs: Do not worry if things you do appear stupid. Do what you need to do to help you get through the times. Pree came with me to India for a 10 day trip in week 25 of my pregnancy. Certainly sounds stupid but the love and pampering I got from family (not to mention my sister from London came to India just so the whole family could be together at one place) …. spending a week with my sisters and my parents (with Pree taking care of Savi) was just perfect. But for that break I doubt I could have kept my sanity through the end of this pregnancy! So do not worry about what people think and/or the money you are spending. We all work hard so we can take a break when we really need one!
6. Be grateful and express your gratitude: Never forget the people who were there for you in big ways and small. People who helped you took the time and energy out of their lives in order to help you and for that they need to be appreciated. You appreciate others for your own sake - not because they expect it. I believe that appreciating a person is a form of externalizing our gratitude …and externalizing only strengthens our own respect for life and the people who have helped us.
7. Learn your lessons and brace yourself for your next challenge: Now that a hard chapter has ended, it is time to enjoy some. My little sis sent me this:
“i wanted to send (this) to you for many days…but waited till i knew everything turned out okay with misha ;-).
see this link, its one of my favourite graphic artists, rutu modan.hope you enjoy it.”
Thanks Meg, I love you too :)
Nimeesha Bisineer Kolari was born yestrday (Sunday, Feb 03, 2008) at 2:32 am. She was 6.1lbs and 18 inches.
She looks a little bit like her sister, the same long fingers. Mom and baby are doing great and will be back home soon. Nimeesha means “a moment” and literally translates to “a minute”. Read more about the inspiration for the name on wikipedia
A couple of years ago, Mayu and I set out to train the dogs. We went to training classes, read books, asked friends…. Now after a couple of years we can say how much we got trained in the process. Here is a quick presentation that we gave at Pecha Kucha about these “lessons for life”. Enjoy.
All of us at the Kolari-Bisineer household would like to invite you over.
The Event: Nothing Special
Time: Anyday, Anytime
There is no need to RSVP. Please just come on over. Please …
If I do not sound desperate yet, let me tell you very clearly that I am extremely desperate to have you over. Please come so we can all have a good time I can get a break from my little monster.
I will cook for you get you pizza and you can enjoy in the backyard play with my dogs.
Just in case your imagination is running wild, let me reassure you that you won’t notice a thing when you come over….casue you will make ALL the difference. There is nothing wrong with our household, or I would like to think so. It is only that the latest member of our family is in love with “people”. All of a sudden she is terribly in love with people.
Savi is just a social butterfly. She needs people. She does prefer talkers though. Thanks to my cousin’s wedding we attended the past weekend, we have affirmed all of these facts. She is happiest left alone as long as she has people to watch. You don’t have to talk to her …she will talk with you as long as you are talking.
So do come home. Life is just more fun for everyone that way and perhaps you will get a break from your cooking for a day!
This is the story…
The wonderful wonderful homebased daycare provider we have for Savi is quitting in September. She says she is “sick of dirty diapers” and is “done with babies”. I really appreciate that she is quitting though, since that is what is best for both her and us. She has given us plently of notice too, which is just wonderful. “I can shop around and find the best daycare for my daughter”, I thought. Little did I remember that waitlists in the best places run a year and a half at least, at a very minimum! (Please do remember that if you are in the business of making babies ;))
Thankfully, we have a spot in one pretty good daycare. Clean place, caring teachers and all that. Savi will be going into the 12 - 18 months room (infant room 2), where kids are expected to “feed themselves”. No bottles, just sippy cups. The kids preferably know how to use the spoon and the fork. I got a sample menu and all the rules and policies.
From that day I learnt their “rules”, I sit Savi down on her high chair and let her “feed herself”. At 10 months, I should say she is doing amazingly well. She not only feeds herself but she will also feed the dogs and the cat ;). She loves touching her food and even manages to get about 20% (that is a lot, believe me!) of the food into her system. It is all very adorable to watch and messy to clean ;).
Ah yes, even that endless sippy cup experiment has ended somewhat with one kind of sippy cup Savi does not mind. Honestly, this sippy isn’t very different from a bottle (soft spout) …but hey, I think that will be in line with the daycare policy ;)
Savi loves all this ofcourse. Feel the food. Feed mama. Feed papa. Feed Iris. Feed Charlie. Totally totally oblivious to all the pressure the mom feels …the stress, acidity and my ulcers when I see that on some days that even 10% of the food does not make it into her….
And then I wonder …in a couple of months I see myself shoving food down Savi’s throat before I drop her off to daycare. I will be thinking about doing the same when I pick her back up…I will be obsessed with Savi and her eating. Oh, how scary! And then I think that all this is totally crazy!! She is 10 months old! Which sane person would expect a 10 month old to feed herself 3 full meals a day? Is this a policy that promotes “more independence” in a child or “less work” for a daycare teacher? And then some people try to convince me that kids will indeed eat when they sit down and see other kids doing the same. I got to see that to believe it!
I am sure I did not feed myself at one. Heck, I still have problems feeding myself on some days!
I am confused. Confused as hell! Honestly, I am concerned.
I know from friends and sisters who have had their share of “poor eaters” that thinking about the child and his/her eating can be an exhausting and draining task. Thankfully, my little one has never been that way ….but am I setting myself up for a whole lot of stress and worry in the eating department?
I could even be making too much of this. Kids these days are so smart. Sure, they can feed themselves at one! I was born a looong time ago and humans have evolved since then ….the fact that I did not feed myself at one is not even a relevant concern ;).
Okay folk, I can use some guidance on this one :) ….I could drive myself crazy thinking about this!
You got it. She is all about pleasing her Pa-pa.
Ofcourse, she says pa-pa-pa with great ease and is yet to say ma, let alone ma-ma.
Papa not only can feed/bathe her, he is also so much more fun! Her “bonding” with the dad begins with the naughtiest smile. SHe will then run towards him, climb onto him (no matter how is he standing or sitting) and then roll all over, bend, climb, hug and so on and so forth. Apparently, she is trying to imitate his style of expressing affection (holding her upside down, throwing her up in the air, rolling on the floor).
Rest assured that “mama” is quite happy. It seems like the dogs have started treating me as a person once more. They will sit by me, sleep by me and ask me to protect them when Savi starts to chase them. And as much as she likes her pa-pa, the little one will walk up to me from time to time and give me a gentle hug and a wet kiss (on the nose!).
And this is exactly why I get to go out with friends on a Friday evening while dad takes care of the little one.
It is all sooo good !!
Well, yes, I am “Out of Bloffice”.
I take a peek in every now and then but until I graduate with my MBA(in June), I figure that blogging will have to take a back seat.
Mostly because I do not have any other movable parts in my life. Savi is still very much the center of our lives. She wakes up and starts to do new things every day. I am still amazed! She started to crawl like a pro last evening - super fast and a perfect technique. We are having to be creative and make “cruising tracks (furniture tracks)” for her all over the house, since that is her new favorite activity.
The dogs have still not tried to eat Savi and I still love them. With the weather starting to get better, I certainly prefer walking the dogs to blogging in the little free time that we have as a family.
I am also starting to get involved in The Power of Onesie. In keeping with my promise, I am starting to work in that direction. And honestly, this seems to be more important than blogging ;)
I cannot wait to be back! I will try to sneak in once in a while and let you know if I am up to something phenomenal …
Tata!
